Purple Butterfly

A Place I can Call Home

Monday, November 28, 2005

Am on my 4th day for my 5 days rest day. I Have been restless since this morning cause I am not used to sleeping at night and waking up during the day hardly without anything to do for an entire day. So I asked my makeshift roomie to lend me books, that way I have something to divert my mind to. It worked for a time but I finished the entire book yesterday and am on to my second book. I loved the second one especially cause it's a true to life story of Dr. Paul Brand, how he started as a young boy living in the outskirts and hilltops of India, how his parents were a missionary and helped an entire mountain-village and how he began as a surgeon and how he dedicated his life to help out lepers. But I've had enough of reading and my eyes hurt now. I decided to drop by the office for the sole purpose of blogging and checking emails.

Blogging has become a friend to me, it has become an outlet where I can express my thoughts through writing. Blogging also became a way for me to connect with people who are far from me and it has kept me sane sometimes when I feel like screaming on top of my lungs. I love the idea that someday, if I were to remember certain parts of my life or to read my life, I can scan through my blog and relive those moment/s. It would be like reading through a book about the authors life but only that, the author is none other than me. I can even share it with people I love or I have this dream of sharing my blog to my future spouse to let him know how I lived my life even before I met him. Just the thought of it excites me.

What brought me to blog is this feeling of unbelongingness. Let me openly talk about where I have been living and how it has affected me. I've been to 5 different places since I came here to CEBU. The first place of course was a week stay at Golden Peak hotel, sponsored by my company, we were only given a week to find a suitable place to stay while we are on training, out of desperation, I agreed to stay in a room that was clean but had to share it with 4 other people who also worked in the same company. I thought I had found the perfect place, but I was wrong. I was not comfortable sharing an entire room with 4 people. They were really nice and one is a friend way back in college but I screamed for solitude. I decided to move out after 3 weeks and when I informed the landlady, she got furious and demanded that I find a replacement cause they require for their tenants to stay 6 months to one year. She thought she could fool me so I called my folks and they taught her a lesson to never mess with their daughter. I moved in with a close college friend after that, I was really comfortable at first knowing that I share the room with someone I know and comfortable with. There was an adjacent house for rent with 2 bedrooms so we decided to rent the house and shared it with 3 other guys while my friend and I stayed in one room, aside from the fact that the landlord or should I say the land gay was terrible, I wasn't comfortable having her bf around the room and occasionally sleeping beside my friend. I hated those days when I just wanted to crawl into the bed and finding him there. I decided to transfer cause it didn't help that the land gay was cruel and clearly out of his mind. But without enough funds, I asked my church friend who stayed in a house ten minutes away from where I worked if I could temporarily stay with her for a week or a month, depending on how long it would take me to find a place to stay. But her gay sister who moved out of the house and lived with her lover offered for me to stay and just help out with expenses. I knew then that there was a family feud between them and I didn't want to go between it. I didn't really welcome the idea at first. But for the first few weeks I stayed there, I have already grown accustom to the place, I have learned to adjust so I decided to give it a try. Then I said to myself that I finally found a home away from home. Not until... recently, this sis of my church friend was so fed up with life, her failed family, her failed relationship that she had a sudden outburst of rage. No one was really there to cushion the blows but poor me. It was nothing physical but words can run deep and deeper in ones thoughts and into ones being until it becomes like a poison, slowly and painstakingly killing from inside. I never felt so out of place as that day, I felt nothing more than a cockroach. It had a toll on me emotionally, it made me wanna go home, made me wanna leave everything behind. Only my makeshift roomie really understood how I felt that time cause clearly no one was there to witness the whole event but she and I. luckily for her she was on her way to work and I suffered the rest of the blow myself. I felt embarassed. I decided then on to find a place where I can be alone or just share it with just one person. I never wanted to transfer from one place to another. I like the feeling of belongingness, that despite of the constant heartache of loneliness and homesickness, I can be in a place where I can just be myself and no one bossing me around. It happened the second time and this time, she talked with my church friend. Even she had the feeling of packing up her things and go.

So today, that's exactly what I did, I packed some of my things and left those stuff that I need to use for the next couple of days or weeks. There's something about packing up that is almost symbolic about it. While I was folding my clothes, carefully arranging my things so that they fit, I can't help but realize that I was packing up a part of me, a part of my life. Somewhere in those clothes and in those things was me. I felt a mix of joy and sorrow at the same time. Joy because of the hope of a new life for me, and sorrow because of the people and the memories I will leave behind. I find that it's never easy to leave people behind, especially those who have become a part of me. After some time, the people that I share the house with became my family. They were not always there to comfort my nagging pain of loneliness but they became an anchor when my world swirled uncontrollably around me. They offered stories and more than just stories, they shared a part of their lives with me. To me, a mere stranger, who has nothing more to offer than a meager income. I welcome the thought of leaving, I welcome a new space for me to grow. Joyfully and sadly, I am growing, I am establishing my own life that I need a bigger space where I can extend my roots, for my leaves to unfold, for flowers to bloom and for fruits to bear. This is a fact in life that we meet people along the way, some stay with you for a while, others just pass and while others leave you, they find a way to come back. I've learned to accept that simple fact in life. Although painful and sorrowful at some point, I find it much easier to go on in life treasuring fond moments with them.

Butterfly Tales
10:15 AM

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alone in a movie

Saturday, November 26, 2005

So there I was, about to close my computer when I got an email from our HR department that they are giving away 2 more free movie passes for a successful referral. I had thought to myself that a movie would be a great way to end my week. I had suffered earlier this week since I swapped my restdays. My mom was right when she said sige lang, you did it for a cause man. In time, you'll reap your reward. My mom has always been a firm believer of doing good in every opportunity. I even got me a KITKAT chunky bar for getting a perfect CSAT score. They say, the best things in life are free. It's true. Going back, I began another dilemma, who would go to the movies with me and what movie are we going to watch? I had seen Harry Potter monday this week for the first 2 movie passes so I had no idea what movie to watch for the other 2 passes. I checked on clickthecity.com to find out what movies were featured. I was down to only 3 options: Harry Potter, The Myth and Four Brothers. The movies didn't seem appealing to me so I almost gave up and decided to not take the movie passes anymore. But I couldn't pass up the chance to watch a movie for free and the valid dates were only on that day. I had to watch a movie. I made my choice and decided to give the other movie pass to Nikki. I can only survive one movie that day cause I never had sleep since the night before. For the first time in my life, I watched a movie alone. I always ask my bro, my bestfriend, my teammate, my friends to watch with me but alone? Never! I never would have experienced watching a movie alone if not for the free movie pass in Ayala. To keep me from becoming bored, I bought popcorn, propped my feet and decided to just chill and relax. The movie started with an old scene from Chinese dynasties when an emperor was presented a concubine to keep ties between other dynasties. It was action packed, a good combination of a dedicated warrior, a beautiful princess to be saved and a myth to be told... to sum it all up, it was one of the great movies I've watched. I didn't expect to actually enjoy the movie or sit at the edge of my seat. The movie got me to laugh, got me to cringe and got me to fall in love... It was fantastic. I texted Nikki after the movie to definitely watch it.

Butterfly Tales
1:00 AM

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a simple story

Thursday, November 24, 2005

So, yes I love you! I loved you then, I love you still and maybe I'll love you until forever

I am in love with you

I've been in love with you

I'll be in love with you

Butterfly Tales
11:50 PM

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It's almost Christmas

Let is snow, let is snow, let it snow...

I can almost feel, smell and taste Christmas... So let the snow fall at least on my blog and in my heart. I love the warmth of 'tis season to be jolly! Like everyone else, I look forward to spending it with my family. I don't have much of a choice. I didn't submit my PTO form on time so I can earn me a spot for leave on Christmas or NEW YEAR... I might even spend it on the boat on my way home but I've learned how to cope up in this trying times. I made my decision of spending another year in this same job, hopefully still working with the same people. I am unsure of what is ahead of me in the next year but am very peaceful with my decision. Who knows I might be on another country after next year...

Butterfly Tales
11:50 PM

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Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Although it's not a tradition or usually celebrated here but I am thankful. Not just for this day but almost everyday of my life. I thank God for my family, my friends, the people I've met and for my job. Everything has been going great so far. First time that I had to go undertime on my shift, there weren't many calls and people were falling asleep and falling off their chair already. The handful of callers I've had were in a pleasant mood and cheery. Everyone wish it's thanksgiving everyday.

Well, as for me, I get to celebrate my Christmas and New Year at the office this year same as last year. I miss home and I only got to celebrate my birthday at home. I hope to spend the holidays next year at home, I've had enough calls on holidays. I took calls during halloween, this thanksgiving, this coming Christmas and NEW YEAR! Next year, it's gonna be different. I hope.

Butterfly Tales
11:15 PM

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How Do Men See me??

Men See You As Choosy

Men notice you light years before you notice themYou take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be pickyYou aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounterIt may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait

How Do Men See You?

Butterfly Tales
11:11 PM

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The color of my blog

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

I took this test just to check if I chose the right color for my blog and the results are amazing... hahaha I love purple. Gee, isn't it obvious?

Butterfly Tales
10:39 PM

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Blog Personality

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.
You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.
You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!
A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Butterfly Tales
5:15 PM

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IT has done it again

Again, thank God for friends. Nikki dropped a bomb on me when she said IT has done their job of blocking all those precious sites I use to update my blog. But just the other day, liz has been asking me how to update her blog to look something like mine. I had told her that IT blocks blogger so maybe we can update her blog at a cafe but she said that she found a way to access blogger. Tears were about to burst when I found out I couldn't access photobucket. So, with my almost big crocodile eyes, I went to liz for help. She gladly showed me how to snake my way through blogger. Here I am. I would have gone home with a heavy heart today but thank God for friends. And lastly, I got me 2 more free movie tickets. hehehe

Butterfly Tales
3:55 AM

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I am sick

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I pray that I can go through this week. I feel sick, I was warm last night but still chose to go to work even though my body screams to rest. I slept after my shift and I felt better when I woke up so I decided to come for work. I usually suffer whenever I swap my restdays. I know it's for a reason. My teammate before needed to come home for her children and I thought to myself that if I were in her shoes, it'll be very difficult to find someone to swap with. Mothers, God bless their heart and all the hardwork they put in for their children. *sigh* 2 more shift to go and I'll have my 5 days restday. I didn't have enough budget to come home cause I bought tickets for Leas concert and it caused me P700 bucks! But anyways, I'm sure and am even excited that every penny that I spent will be so worth it. If I had enough money, I'd buy it for P1500 but seats were almost full for that rate, I had thought of inviting my parents to watch with me but due to time and financial constraints they declined my offer, imagine, they have to pay for fare on a boat ride just to watch the concert. It's not practical. Maybe next time, if there will a next time.

Butterfly Tales
5:09 PM

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Down and Blue

Saturday, November 19, 2005

I am at that time of the month when I feel so down and sh--ty. It's at that time when hormones are going out of place because my period is due in days or so. I take an emotional coaster ride. I seem to hate the whole world and everyone around me. I want nothing more than just to crawl into bed right now and sleep my sorrows away. It doesn't help that I am away from home and is now suffering from homesickness. Home is the only place in the world I know where I am accepted for who I am. It's a place where I can openly say 'despite of', it's the only place I know where I don't have to compete for attention or strive to be noticed, praised and most importantly, I don't need to prove my worth to be loved. It's a place where I can find grace and peace to rest. I find it comforting to even just hear the voice of my mom or my brothers or mi papa. I miss home and it sucks big time!

Butterfly Tales
7:30 PM

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Rest Day

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I'm supposedly on the second day of my 3 days rest day in a week. But, what am I doing here in the office? Surprisingly, while most of us find the workplace the last place we want to be in, I find the workplace the first place I want to be in during my restday. First of all, internet access is 24x7 and it's pretty fast and best of all, it's for FREE. If I find myself hungry, the pantry offers some chips and some noodles, and if ever I get tired from using the computer, I run to our office sleep room to doze off. They say I'm a boarder here and what's missing is for me to gather all my things and actually live here. I wouldn't want to live here though. I want a separate environment where I can work and a separate environment where I can rest and where I can play. I just find the office a cool place to chill out when my budget is scarce and when the heat is unbeatable. Do I have a life? I do! I just don't want to spend too much of my money outside.

Today is pay day so I woke up early, went to the ATM to transfer some funds and dropped by at the laundry for some self-service washing. I decided to grab some bite before I leave for the laundry. I only had graham crackers last night and a few bites of rice, omelette and dilis for breakfast. So, I carried my huge bag full of smelly jeans and went to MCDO for my much deserved breakfast. There were a lot people coming in for breakfast and it took me a good 20 mins before I got my turn. I wanted to become irate but it's not my nature and besides I had no energy for it. I ordered the pancake with sausage. There's this tray where one can just grab the maple syrup. On that same tray, there was this dark colored syrup that I usually take with me and there's this light-colored syrup on that same container. Since there were no dark-colored syrup left, I grabbed the lighter-colored ones. I grabbed my seat, and splashed the syrup or what I thought was syrup on my pancakes. It bubbled for awhile and smelled like vinegar. Only then did I check the substance, I tasted my pancake and yes, it was vinegar. I soaked my pancake with vinegar. How cool was that? It's not!!! So, my breakfast got spoiled, with a sorry face I felt like complaining to the sups behind the counter for the lousy service that morning and for not putting a label on that container. That container should have said in bold, italized and all caps letter that it's VINEGAR, not Maple syrup. My head was aching cause of starvation so I decided to just eat my sausage, drank my coffee and left. I figured that I'll just charge it to experience. I know I should have said something even if it's not on an irate level but maybe next time, not this time. There are more things worth complaining about than mistaking vinegar for maple syrup.

On the lighter side of things, I enjoy going to the laundry sometimes cause I chance upon some cute guys who go there to wash their clothes. I was unloading this pile of soiled jeans when this cute guy appeared behind me. Our eyes locked for a few seconds and then he proceeded to the counter to have his laundry weighed. I asked the girl behind the counter if she knew of any place around there for rent. She wasn't from there so she didn't know of any place or room for rent so I grabbed my phone, loaded my prepaid and pretended to read this book that I am currently reading. He took the seat beside me and he exchanged some info with the girl behind the counter. While I pretended to mind my own business, I was actually getting some bits of pieces about him. He had a very masculine voice, the kind you'd want to hear over the phone over and over or that voice that you'd want words of love whispered in you ear. After some few words with the girl, he grabbed one of the magazines on the table. I thought it was my chance to maybe start a conversation so I asked in a more or less casual tone (pretending that I wasn't interested) "uh, excuse me, do you live anywhere near here? I was hoping you could help me find rooms for rent that are just a few distance away..." He was really cute and with his smile, he said that he wasn't living anywhere there. I simply shrugged my shoulders and said "thanks! I'm having such a hard time looking for a place of my own." With just those few words, our would-be conversation ended. I was dying to call my folks back home so I'd much rather talk with them than with this stranger who happens to be gorgeous. Who knows, this guy might have a gf. So there it was, I made a phone call outside and just left him sitting there with those magazines. Besides, it only takes around 15 minutes for the laundry to be fully washed, rinsed and pre wrung. After 13 mins or so, I walked back to the laundry shop and waited for the last rinsing. HE had to leave so I, to avoid any form of akwardness, I pretended to read my book again. Before he left, he paused in front of me and said "uh, miss, I think you can find some rooms for rent up in plaza housing..." I gave him a puzzled look as if I didn't know where it was, he looked very concerned and asked, "do you know where that is?" I was like "uh, if I'm not mistaken, I think it's that place where you go right from here?" then he nodded, again, as in my most casual tone ever we ended our meeting with me saying "thanks!" Thinking of it now as I write this blog, maybe I should've pretended I didn't know the place and maybe asked him if he could show me there. It was my chance, or rather our chance to hook up with each other. With the dimwit that I am sometimes, I never thought of it. I guess my mind was elsewhere. I was actually more concerned of finding a place of my own rather than hooking up with a cute guy. So, oh well! charge to it experience. That's how my day started, am not sure how it's gonna end...

Butterfly Tales
6:43 AM

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a man's life

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Butterfly Tales
5:49 AM

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A good laugh

click on the logo for a guaranteed good laugh... my teammate sent that link and I have been laughing hard since. again, if you find yourself bored and nothing to do... find out more about some of these videos. more like Americas Funniest Home Videos. they even show commercials from other countries that are really funny but make a great point. Have a good laugh guys!

Butterfly Tales
4:44 AM

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Saturday, November 12, 2005

So, Tell me, what does one do with 11 hours staring at the computer with nothing but occasional calls coming in? I don't like working on a Saturday. people are having their break by this time, some may be partying but most people I know are getting ready for Sunday worship. Just recently a friend told me that man is never contented. I used to endure 45-60 calls per day but just lately, I only get calls around 30-45... I find myself complaining again cause I find it boring... so boring in fact I can no longer count the times I keep on refreshing my page just to check if this friend has already replied to me email. He kept me company the other day, we've been emailing each other since yet I was able to maintain my metrics. Hahaha as if he doesn't have a life so am sure he's out there somewhere half-way around the world not just waiting for a reply from me. Unlike me here, I have pray for time to run fast so I can go to church and get my much deserved sleep. This is a proof that I am so bored I can't even think straight. At least I'm getting paid for just staring at the computer most of the time... hahaha... I'm very excited to watch Leah Salonga concert this coming Dec 9 and am pretty sure she'll land a spot on my blog. Can't wait! I can't wait for certain things to happen in my life but I have to understand that there will always be a waiting period... like, waiting for my prince charming? hehehe It's never easy to wait, not even to just stand in line at a counter. I never understood why it's such a toll on us to wait. Sometimes, I don't mind waiting at all, but most of the time, I want action, I want something to happen. aren't we all guilty of such? Like I said, this just goes to show I am so bored... something's bothering me perhaps.

Butterfly Tales
4:49 PM

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When Trouble Comes

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

It's a known fact that no matter how much we try to be perfect we always and is always bound to commit a mistake. I know I just did and I got a good scolding for it. Call it tough love! hahaha I know it hurts at first, humiliating but very humbling. Whenever tough situations come and I am to blame or maybe partly to blame, I have learned to take the blame or part of the blame, brush myself up, say I'm sorry in a most sincere way and always always back it up with actions. Sometimes I want to say my piece of the story but most of the time, I let him or her have the whole story. Its tough trying to maintain a harmonious relationship with family, friends, with someone special, with teammates, with everyone. In whatever situation I am in, I am bound to meet challenges and the question is, how I am going to face them. Sometimes I want to cower in fear and in shame, in lack of confidence and in lack of opportunity yet something in me wants to go on, that instead of retreat, I'd rather prove myself wrong, prove others wrong and believe that I deserve a second chance, that we all deserve a second chance.. It's not easy to prove yourself worthy after a downfall. I am taking my pace in this life slowly but surely. Yes, every now and then I make a mistake, hurt someone here, hurt someone there, I can be very disappointing to myself, to others, I can cause frustration here, frustration there, everywhere and anywhere and the list is endless. I'd rather not wallow in pity and just try to move on and do my best NOT to or NEVER to commit the same mistake again.

Butterfly Tales
2:55 PM

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LIFE

LIFE isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many friends you have or how accepted you are. Not about if you have plans this weekend or if you're alone. It isn't about who you're dating, who you used to date, how many people you've dated, or if you haven't been with anyone at all.
It isn't about who you have kissed, It isn't about who your family is or how much money they have or what kind of car you drive or where you are sent to school. It's not about how beautiful or ugly you are. Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you listen to. it's not about if yiour hair is blonde, red, black, or brown or if your skin is too light or too dark. Not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everybody else thionks you are, or how smart standardized tests say you are. It's not about what clubs you're in or how good you are at your sport. It's not about representing your whole being on a piecr of paper and seeing who will accept the written you.

LIFE JUST ISN'T.

But, life is about who you love and who you hurt
It's about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully.
It's about keeping or betraying trust.
It's about friendship, used as a sanctity or a weapon.
It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening.
About starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip.
It's about who your judgements are spread to.
It's about who you've ignored with full control and intention.
It's about jealousy, fear , ognorance, and revenge.
It's about carrying inner hate and live, letting it grow, and spreading.
But most of all, it's about using your life to touch or poison other people's hearts in such a way that could have never occured alone.
Only you choose the way those hearts ate affected, and those choices are what life's all about.

Butterfly Tales
10:18 AM

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Happy Anniversary

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Happy anniversary Expedia Cebu batch 32... Today I am celebrating my first year anniversary. I took the time out to eat at one of my favorite cafes here in CEBU. I love celebrations. I didn't expect I'd come this far. Wow! It's been a year. The other night, I had dinner with my church friends and I didn't realize that it was my first year anniversary here in CEBU. I'm glad I survived... I know there is so much ahead of me and my experiences here in Cebu and being an expedia agent made me more mature. I learned a lot. I have more confidence to face people now. I am not easily intimidated anymore. Just imagine, I had to handle a number of faceless callers who can be very demanding and sometimes make you feel like you're nothing more than a slave. I proved them wrong alright. I am no slave to anyone except to Christ who is in me. Allow me thank these people, if not for them, I don't know how I'd survive...

Roxelle

Jorydyll

Lyle

Ate Shang

Joy A

Joy D

the YAF

Bing

Ate Penchie

Cath

Nikki-Tiffy

Aprilette

Sup John

Sup Anine

Sup Gnet

Sup Ervin

Sup Jan

to team inVincbles: Krishna, Denise, JV, Lee, Hudson, MA, Randy

To my batchmates, trainers and sups on the floor

Of course, to my family whom I love and miss so much, I thank them for their love and for their prayers. and most of all to almighty God. I know I sound like I just won the OSCARS, but I am very very grateful to these people and I just want to take a moment to thank them and to remember them. To those who have prayed for me back home and for my bestfriend Alma. These people made my life bearable to live in. I know the list is endless to the many people I have met and will eventually meet. More years to come and more experiences...

Butterfly Tales
8:11 AM

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When life stings

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Thank God for friends. I can't thank God enough for showering me with friends who love and care for me while I am away from home. Mommy Jorge just sent me a proxy link so I can check my friendster and go to websites that were banned from the office. They say that they're concerned about security, I think more than security, some agents on the floor are very abusive that they surf or 'friendster-stalk' while taking a call. I don't have any problems at all since friendster is not work-related. Anyways, I'm glad I can friendster-stalk all I want for as long as IT will not find out about it. Hahaha take that! but of course I will only do it during down times or on saturdays when there is no queue. My shift just ended and this is the first time I had worked on a Saturday. Since I started working, I've always had my rest days on a Saturday and a Sunday. This has been the first week that I have worked on an 11x4 shift. MG the hours are looong but the days are so fast. I can't believe that I survived this shift. I had always thought that I wouldn't like working on such a sched. I have 3 rest days and 4 work days. Finally, I can read all the books I want to read and go home anytime every week cause my rest days allow me to board on a boat for CDO and come back in time for shift. Cool aint? I think so.

For the meantime, I have been missing my old team. They made work so much easier to deal with. Not that I don't like my new team or my new sup jan ranny. He's very cool and the reason I'm not resigning. hehehe I seriously thought of resigning. I could no longer bear waking up another night to go to work and endure another shift. I am very flexible with sched, my teammates, if I don't like them then 'kebs nalang' but this time, I am favored that mommy Jorge is my teammate and my sup is as kind and as considerate as my old sup. Only this time, he's wacky and enjoys a lot of good laughs! heck, he even taught me how to update my friendster account at the office, while waiting for a call. I am someone you can never motivate if you deal with me harshly. As my teammate krishna would put it, I am most of the time a softee.

Atsi Sigrid came to Cebu for a visit and how I miss that smart lady! I'm just sad that I didn't get to spend a night out with her. But, maybe someday soon.

As for my family in CDO, mi papa is now a school administrator. Wow! I have great confidence in my papa. Well, he's one of the smartest guy I know. He's been through so many things in his lifetime and in all those times, I have seen him endure even life's worse experiences with bravery and in silence. Not once did I ever hear him complain about the hardships we have gone through as a family. I admire his strong determination and I owe him more than my life. I miss my papa and I have always considered him my hero and there will be no other. In everything we had to go through, the pleasures and the pain, we all stuck together. I never heard my brothers complain or rebel. As patiently and as lovingly as we can, we have endured days that we don't have food on our table and those times when we do not know where to get money to pay for tuition. Yes, I never thought we would come to that. I guess it started when we lost our major source of income, followed when my mom decided to quit her job in Del Monte where she worked as an executive for almost 30 years. I don't know whether it was a good or bad idea but those experiences made me strong and made me humble. It made me compassionate and more enduring to life's problems. I do not blame anyone, especially not God. I lived a smooth life before and I never had to endure a bumpy ride. My parents were always there to shield us from the storm, but they can only do so much. As we got older, my brothers and I got stung by the harsh realities of life. I never had to experience being hungry before, there was always at least a hot meal on the table and more. I remember nights when I would sleep on an empty stomach praying for a miracle the next day. I envied my classmates who were set to go to med school, who could afford new books and new outfit for the semester. I avoided them cause I know I can never afford books, I could never afford new outfits. I'm just glad that I had a friend who was the same size as me and who gave me a bulk of her old clothes. Nobody knew the clothes I wore were hand-me-downs. I was just glad that I had something to wear. Whenever my mom had extra, she would secretly give me money so I can buy me a new pair of shoes or sandals. How I love my mama. I had thought then that maybe by knowing someone or having a relationship with someone for more than 5 years is enough to marry him someday. But I was wrong. DAMN wrong. The relationship only lasted for a year and it made my situation worse than not having a bf at all. Not that I blame my ex-bf, I blame the fact that if we were only friends, my life wouldn't have been so entangled, I would have been more focused and maybe I would have graduated on time. I didn't listen to advices, I allowed my emotion to rule over reason. I'm just glad that the worse that happened to me was extending one more sem so I can just wrap up my course in bio. I didn't graduate with flying colors and until now, I haven't applied for graduation. I haven't officially graduated yet. I escaped college after I finished my last sem. I felt miserable that while my batchmates were already wearing med uniform, I was still wearing the regular school uniform. I was on top of the class when I started, I am one of those we call half-baked, people who start well who don't finish or don't finish well. I had to work part-time in order to finish school and then I was on a rebound. We were both on a rebound, while he was nursing pain from his first love, I was in the process of recovering from a broken heart. He had a lovechild, we built our dreams on sand. I thought I was in love, I thought I was healing, but I was wrong. DAMN wrong. The pain only grew and healing was not a reality. We were living a lie, saying words of love but deep down inside we wanted a part of our past. I thank God, and for friends who caught me before I fell deeper in the muddle I was already in. It was a sinking sand but thank God for miracles. I applied for a better job, a better paying job. Got hired. Was offered a chance of a new life, in a new place, with new faces and challenges to meet. I had a golden ticket. A ticket that would open doors of opportunity. And again, as one who is favored, I took the job, passed the training, met new friends, found a home away from home, got regularized and so here I am, blogging about my past... I know the future is still set ahead of me, that it's not too late. I am holding to my promise of youth. My life is still ahead of me and I can choose what I want to be. Not my own, but God's will be done. I am more careful now. I have learned that the person I love most possess the greatest power to hurt me. I am praying and I pray harder that the next time I give in to my emotion, it will be someone who loves God, more than he loves me or loves himself. In everything I had to go through, I can only be thankful that I was able to endure them, the strength and the reason I live is due to the fact that God loves me so much that He gave me a second a chance, more chances than I can ever imagine. I know there are more bumpy roads ahead, more challenging storms, but I have learned and have kept my ground, my anchor is the Lord.

Butterfly Tales
6:03 AM

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Saturday, November 05, 2005

! You are most like An Emerald !
Caring, giving, - and very emotional. You're the person
people turn to with a problem. You worry about everybody,
and genuinely want to help - a little too much sometimes.
As an emerald, you tend to take a more backseat to the other
gems, but your inner beauty soon captivates those who take
the time to get to know you.
Congratulations ... You're the selfless gem
everybody needs as a friend.

?? Which Precious Gem Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Butterfly Tales
8:00 PM

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Enchanted Halloween

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

This pic was taken during our halloween night October 28 which also happened to be our last night as a team. The theme for that night was enchanted halloween so everyone was expected to dress up in their most enchanting costume. 2 weeks before the said date, we had our last meeting as a team, I was on training then for vacation package from 2PM-10PM but I decided to sleep at the office so I can meet my teammates for their 12AM-9AM shift. One of our teammates, Lee, the guy at the front and the one on the left side suggested that we all dress up like gods and goddesses. Everyone thought it was a neat idea. I didn't want to take much effort to dress like a goddess, I suggested being pirates. Reaction: hellow? theme is enchanted kaya! hahaha I guess they all loved the idea. Somebody from the group then suggested that we all find a seamstress. Everyone got so excited so GNET, denise and I went out to bargain shop the cloth and the materials for our costume. Gnet had a friend who could sew the whole costume for only P250. We asked for additional P100 for the materials. We bought the golden leaves that was supposedly for Christmas decoration. Then there it was, at first I laughed my heart out when I first tried on the costume cause I looked like a blue angel, without wings and without halo. I had such a difficult time trying on the gold ribbon all over the gown to make it look greek-like. It took me an ample time to finally figure out what to do with the gold ribbon. The night finally came, I had so much expectation from the whole team. I came in carefully piecing my costume together. I had noticed that not everyone was as excited as we were. There were only a handful of agents on the floor who dared to wear a costume for that night. Except for the sups, some agents wore their regular clothes and just had on some pixie wings or some crazy hat. I was utterly disappointed. I had been expecting that people would be in their best costume and look ethereal because of the theme enchanted. This is my first time to ever participate in halloween. Back then, i would just content myself watching horror movies or documentaries of real life experiences on what we call multo or aswang on Magandang Gabi Bayan. I had imagine that everyone would look enchanting. I guess they were not bitten by the halloween bug. Im glad we wore costume as a team I would have ended feeling uncomfortable if I was the only one among many others who did not wear costume. Since it was our last night, we brought food, some cookies, pizza and drinks. My team made my first halloween memorable and I miss them. A lot! I had such a great time with my team. I love the pic that is posted, this is the first time that we are all present for the pic. So much for my halloween! maybe next I'll be lucky!

Butterfly Tales
2:25 AM

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