I woke up today wanting to feel and see some changes in my so-called life. I realized that I have been trying to be good all my life. I’ve been trying to be good at everything, a daughter, a friend and everything that I am. I’ve always been afraid to try new things and I’ve tried to be at the safe zone always. Always thinking of what other people might say or think. And you know what I realized? I just want to be me. I want to be loved for who I am. I bought a pack of cigarettes hoping that someone might care enough to ask me to stop. I want to prove to myself that even if I am not good or so much less than perfect, I still am worth loving. I know I am sounding pathetic here cause I know that deep in my heart and in the recesses of my mind, I am worth loving but a part of me just wants to prove it. I want to be loved not because I am good but because I am me. Sounds familiar? Don’t we all want that? I’ve started to smoke just for the heck of it. I’m going against what I’ve always believed in. I just want a taste of freedom. I was brought up in such a way that smoking and excessive drinking is bad. I’ve made several attempts before to really smoke but I quit even before I start. I find it smelly and I just couldn’t stand puffing smoke. But lately it’s been a liberating feeling going against my belief that smoking is bad. I know it kills and I intend to stop before I get hooked. Maybe smoking for me now is just a temporary insane thing. For once in my life, I want to feel bad about myself. I feel like I am lost and I need someone to anchor me.