Purple Butterfly

as if for the first time

Monday, May 30, 2005

Today, or rather, tonight was my first night of work after being on leave for 10 days. I was more than tempted to make an excuse and not go to work tonight but I have made a choice that no matter what, I will conquer my fears. i feared that I may not remember how to handle a call anymore. Sure enough I had difficulty during my first call but I was slowly catching up. The US is actually celebrating memorial day which is a perfect timing for me since there are only a few calls and I need to practice before it starts qeueing again. One thing for sure that despite the long absence, I have not forgotten how to be an agent. It feels as if I had only dreamed of being home. I am actually back to reality and same as before, it bites, real hard... I met with BF today and had sensed that something was amiss. I could tell that something was really bothering her. I waited for her to open up. I think she feels bad and mentioned that it's on her blog. To be honest, I didn't want to feel bad on my first day of work after a long vacation so I opted to check after my shift... whatever it is, I'm sure we can work it out...

Butterfly Tales
8:38 PM

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Powerful thoughtS

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Peace of Mind
If you were to ask your neighbor,"What would give you peace of mind?" he might tell you,"A vacation in Bermuda!" or"An extra hundred grand would give me peace!", or"A new Ferrari would make me content!"But going places - and getting stuff - is usually a temporary solution ...Let's say you buy a lottery ticket and by some miracle you win your dream Ferrari.Today you are content.Tomorrow you are saying,"If I could just catch that little punk who scratched it in the car park!"Peace of mind rarely comes from getting more stuff.Getting more stuff usually leads to wanting even more stuff!Peace of mind starts with being grateful for what you have right now.GRATITUDE is POWER, and here's why ...When you are thankful for what you have -for the friends you have, and for the things you've got,you attract more good people and good things.People who always complain about what they DON'T HAVE, stay stuck.Complainers attract more things to complain about!It is a law of life.It's hard to explain, but you can observe it around you.We get more of what we dwell upon.That's why all the spiritual masters have taught the same lesson ..."Start by being thankful. Be happy with what you have now,and more will come your way."It's practical advice.

IN A NUTSHELL
Every time you say a silent "thank you" you become more peaceful - and more powerful.
- Andrew Matthews

Butterfly Tales
9:08 PM

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> Prince Charming <

Sunday, May 15, 2005

More like prince chubby to me... hehehe I first met Mark when I decided to attend the evening Sunday service of the church. His face beamed with a smile. He kept smiling the whole time. It was so unusual for me to see someone with such a glorious smile pasted across his face all the time and I mean all the time. I didn't mind it at first and it was not what we would call "love at first sight." There were no butterflies on my stomach and it didn't feel like a surge of electricity coursed through my nerves. It was like any ordinary night for me at the church. I started to join Cell group where he was also attending, it gave us the chance to share our veiws on topics discussed during the gathering. I realized then that he was smart and was able to convey messages that were not only deep but thought-provoking as well. I didn't make the commitment to join the group. I would go whenever it was convenient for me. It never gave him the chance to notice me somehow but I did somehow and at one point... At one time, we had decided that instead of having our usual sharing, the group went out to eat. It was then that I began to see him under a different light. I wish I still see him like it was before nothing more than a guy with a huge pasted smile on his face. Who could blame me? I don't blame myself either. What I feel may only be just a silly crush, a giddy feeling on a guy who poses to be a Christ-like prince charming. The life that he lives is truly admirable. He just passed the recently concluded bar exams and to top all that, he's blessed with a new car. Talk about blessing on top of a blessing. Lesson that I learned is to be faithful and to walk humbly before GOD. God knows my very desire and I wait for my prince charming... it may not be him but rest assured it is the best person He has in store for me.

Butterfly Tales
5:35 PM

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I am Winner

It sucks to feel like a loser sometimes but no matter what, I will always be a WINNER!!! I am ABLE... and I am THANKFUL. We all have our days when we feel like a dark cloud is hovering above our heads but beyond the dark clouds, beyond the rain, the sun is still shining and will always shine. Not all days are rainy days. To counter any fear, any doubt and any loneliness, I will be grateful in everything and in every circumstance, I will thank God. For the meantime, I wish to include this quote that my good friend sent me recently. How timely...

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means you'vedecided to see life beyond the imperfections. So, don't say you're happy because everything is alright. Be happy because everything sucks but ou're just fine..." -anonymous

SMILE =)

Butterfly Tales
4:45 PM

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I'm gonna WIN

Friday, May 13, 2005

Brian McKnight - Win Lyrics

Dark is the night
I can battle the storm
Never say die
I've been down this road before
I'll never quit
I'll never lay down, mm
See I promised myself that I'd never let me down

[1] - I'll never give up
Never give in
Never let a ray of doubt slip in
And if I fall
I'll never fail
I'll just get up and try again
Never lose hope
Never lose faith
There's much too much at stake
Upon myself I must depend
I'm not looking for place ashore
I'm gonna win

I'll stop at nothing
There's still a ways to go, oh
Someway, somehow
Whatever it takes, I know
I'll never quit, no no
I'll never go down, mm, mm
I'll make sure they remember my name
A hundred years from now

[Repeat 1]

When it's all said and done
My once in a lifetime will be back again
Now is the time
To take a stand
Here is my chance
That's why I...

[Repeat 1]

Mmm, I'm gonna win

Butterfly Tales
11:03 PM

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empty cup

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Crushed
drowned in emptiness
drained
faded
beaten
burned...

spare me from the lies, do not hide me from the truth, light to guide my path, shield me and find me...

Butterfly Tales
5:42 AM

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sand castle...

I feel like leaving everything behind... all these months of hardwork for what? I am like building a sand castle that may someday be washed away from the sweeping tide... I want to build a real castle. A castle built on firm foundation. God help me find my way, before I lose hope and before I give up on me. I am tired. I need YOUR comfort LORD. I need you to direct me and to lead me to the right way... Am I doing the right thing? Is this what you want me to be and what you want me to do? Only YOU can give the answers LORD. Only YOU and no one else. Today I will sleep, may I find rest. May all pressures fade at YOUR presence FATHER. Lead me LORD to the right path I pray...

Butterfly Tales
5:33 AM

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Beauty and the BEAST part 2

feeling shitty and down lately. I have endured this brain crushing headache for a month now. I have been tired and have dragged myself to work lately. MEANINGLESS. I still look for answers to my questions, I look within myself and empty. I feel empty, useless... worthless, meaningless. I am too tired to cry, too beaten to smile and too down to get up from the dumps. I need a reason, a purpose and a goal. I ask myself what for? Is there a life for me outside these walls? Is there someone out there waiting for me? Am I even too afraid to try to discover beyond the walls of my current existence? What am I here for? Is it for fear that I can never find a job that pays this much? Am I better person now? I don't want to be comfortable enough to stay in this job. As the world gets bigger by the day, I feel my world getting smaller each minute. As it gets more real, I feel like fading away... I feel like becoming nothing. I never felt this terrible before, not even during the hardest heartbreak. I feel like breaking. True enough this job requires less physical activity but it's requiring too much of me. The whole of me even... I am choking and I am dying, I need air to breathe and a light to guide my way. I need a door for my escape and arms to comfort my aching loneliness. . . GOD HELP ME!!!

Butterfly Tales
5:20 AM

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Beauty and the Beast!

I feel awful somehow, in some way and in some point I no longer feel the thrill of keeping this job. I remember how at one point I got angry and frustrated at my teammate for giving up on the job. I remember how I felt so bad for her that she had to succumb to quitting. I failed to see that she has so many potentials that will only be realized if she quits her job. I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry that I judged to quickly and too harshly on her.

I have been proud for having stayed at this job, proud of having inhaled poison and verbal attacks from faceless callers. I have swallowed my pride each time and feeling miniscule and insignificant by the minute. I wonder how long I will have to endure and I wonder if I will ever be set free from such turmoil and pain. It's been dragging lately and I have felt meaningless. After 6 months, I thought I'd be leaping for joy! leaping for what? What have I accomplished so far? Sure enough I have helped more than a thousand satisfied customers but was it life-changing? I don't even mean to sound bitter but I never had any kudos call. After 6 months of smiling and pretending, I never had a customer who had the heart to let the whole world know that I am worth to be praised. I don't need praises, I don't need kudoses but it only makes me think, think hard and deep of what I have gotten myself into. I have the promise of youth and I am an honest worker. I know there is more for me out there than sitting here my mind wandering elsewhere. I begin to ask about my purpose and my worth. There are emotions that battle within me that I long to cease. I long for peace, a good night's rest and a feeling of purpose. Time will come and a new door shall open for me. I long to be in a place where I truly belong, a place where I can be myself and reach my highest potential. I start to think of my potential. I had wished even as a child to become a doctor but everyday that dream seems to fade away, becoming nothing more than a vapor that fades as the sun rises. I am at loss, at loss for words and at loss for options. THIS IS NOT ME. If I were doing something I love, I will persevere no matter how difficult the task may seem. I NEED TO FIND MYSELF. I have lost myself in the plight to discover my calling. WHAT AM I CALLED FOR? Definitely not for this job, if it were I hope and pray that I may find the peace, the joy and the love to take calls. Meanwhile, I will keep my word... I will honor my choice, to stay and endure for the next 6 months. I keep on telling myself how time will pass away like a flower that is alive today and gone tomorrow as the wise KING SOLOMON would put it, all days are meaningless... our labor is meaningless. Maybe someday, maybe not now, maybe tomorrow, I will find myself.

Butterfly Tales
4:55 AM

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pimples, eyebags, dandruff, excess fat, sleep deprived and myopia????

As gross as it may sounds, I feel sooo "unfortunate-looking" What has 6 months of working in a callcenter brought me? To be honest, my worst nightmare! I check on the mirror and see several pimples, my eyebags getting darker and larger by the day and dandruff seem to pile that it might cause and avalanche with the rate that it is building up on my head, I feel like I am gaining weight due to lack of exercise and having to sit during entire shift and the worse of all is my deteriorating eyesight for facing the computer 8 hours a day for five days a week. Reality bites, I failed to check how this job can affect me physically. STRESSED OUT! I need a way out! I am certainly looking forward to my 10 day off from work and I hope that it will rejuvenate me enough to face another 6 agonizing months. I made it this far I always tell myself. I need this break to reevaluate and reassess and reprioritize my life. I have questions that I need answers and may only be answered someday. I don't know what is ahead or if I ever have a future to look forward to in this present job. I hope to gain enough experience to face more challenges ahead.

Butterfly Tales
4:15 AM

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I've had enough!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

After being trained for exchange, my nightmare as an online travel agent started... I have made too many mistakes, too many times... Recently, I am unsure of what to do, I processed a change that I fear would result to a pay out of around $600. I am not hoping for the worse and I am only hoping for a better outcome. I am fearful of the outcome but I simply want to trust HIM... I can be very TANGA many times... I'm grateful to ERVIN for helping me out of the mess but there are no guarantees yet. Will need to check later tonight...

Butterfly Tales
4:28 AM

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droplets of water

“Great things start from small beginnings…” and so the MILO jingle continues. I believe in that statement. I believe in small and humble beginnings. Everyone or everything must start somewhere. I believe that my job is only a small beginning. I continue to hope that there are more to life than just sitting here and take calls. No wonder there are people in the office who get so burnt out with this job. Any job for that matter will allow a person to get so burnt out. We recently had our company outing and I never expected it to be so much fun. Everyone deserved that kind of break once in a while and I am thankful to the company who made the effort to organize such event. What I particularly cherish is my time with Alex. I had fun and it was comfortable around him, he was simply being true to himself and it was relief that I can just be muyself and e. As I have mentioned at the start of my blog… it has to start somewhere. At this point, though I want something more than just plain friendship, I am content just knowing him, to take things slowly and one at a time… it happens when it happens… After almost 6 months of being here, I’m glad I had the chance to go out and meet someone new. Like, really… I had planned it to be that way, call it timing.

Butterfly Tales
4:02 AM

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