Purple Butterfly

Beauty and the Beast!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I feel awful somehow, in some way and in some point I no longer feel the thrill of keeping this job. I remember how at one point I got angry and frustrated at my teammate for giving up on the job. I remember how I felt so bad for her that she had to succumb to quitting. I failed to see that she has so many potentials that will only be realized if she quits her job. I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry that I judged to quickly and too harshly on her.

I have been proud for having stayed at this job, proud of having inhaled poison and verbal attacks from faceless callers. I have swallowed my pride each time and feeling miniscule and insignificant by the minute. I wonder how long I will have to endure and I wonder if I will ever be set free from such turmoil and pain. It's been dragging lately and I have felt meaningless. After 6 months, I thought I'd be leaping for joy! leaping for what? What have I accomplished so far? Sure enough I have helped more than a thousand satisfied customers but was it life-changing? I don't even mean to sound bitter but I never had any kudos call. After 6 months of smiling and pretending, I never had a customer who had the heart to let the whole world know that I am worth to be praised. I don't need praises, I don't need kudoses but it only makes me think, think hard and deep of what I have gotten myself into. I have the promise of youth and I am an honest worker. I know there is more for me out there than sitting here my mind wandering elsewhere. I begin to ask about my purpose and my worth. There are emotions that battle within me that I long to cease. I long for peace, a good night's rest and a feeling of purpose. Time will come and a new door shall open for me. I long to be in a place where I truly belong, a place where I can be myself and reach my highest potential. I start to think of my potential. I had wished even as a child to become a doctor but everyday that dream seems to fade away, becoming nothing more than a vapor that fades as the sun rises. I am at loss, at loss for words and at loss for options. THIS IS NOT ME. If I were doing something I love, I will persevere no matter how difficult the task may seem. I NEED TO FIND MYSELF. I have lost myself in the plight to discover my calling. WHAT AM I CALLED FOR? Definitely not for this job, if it were I hope and pray that I may find the peace, the joy and the love to take calls. Meanwhile, I will keep my word... I will honor my choice, to stay and endure for the next 6 months. I keep on telling myself how time will pass away like a flower that is alive today and gone tomorrow as the wise KING SOLOMON would put it, all days are meaningless... our labor is meaningless. Maybe someday, maybe not now, maybe tomorrow, I will find myself.

Butterfly Tales
4:55 AM

~~~

Comments:

<$BlogCommentBody$>

# posted by (0) comments