Purple Butterfly

Letting you go...

Monday, June 06, 2005

It was not easy. I had battled within me and have thought that I have overcome and is victorious in the battle. It was a war raging within me, and the cycle keeps repeating itself. I have blinded myself that by supposedly "loving" someone else I have freed myself from my attachment towards this certain guy. He has been a large and tremendous piece of me and though I have denied it countless times, the memory of him has become but an excess baggage. No wonder I never felt free. That despite certain measures, I have failed miserably in acknowledging that the reason I am never set free is that I have never let him go. I have held on to a flickering hope, nothing more than a dying ember. The hope of ending up with him was still there that despite the distance and the absence, I have kept him in my heart. But today, it's different I made a firm decision that I will no longer hold on to that flickering hope but to surrender to HIM who controls the universe. I have kept the ring he gave me and have held it close and dear to me without realizing that it had already become a symbol of my attachment to him. It was clear as daylight that I never gotten over him yet but I chose to be blind. I chose to believe that I am able to move on in life with that symbol. I was greatly wrong. I had to give it up, I became used to seeing my hand with that ring, it makes me feel naked if I don't see that ring with me, a clear indicative that I have a part of him with me always. I longed to praise God and to experience the fulness of His grace and love towards me. Unless I was willing to give up the "dime-store necklace" I have cherished, He will never be able to show me His sufficiency in my life "a strand of genuine pearls." I made a decision today and believe me when I say it was not easy giving up my "dime-store necklace" I have learned to love it and cherished and I have held on to it for as long as I can. I took off the ring and left it somewhere that I can never take it back. It was an act that I am giving up that that I have cherished. I gave it up in faith that God will take what is fleeting and replace it with something more concrete and substantial. Now, I am walking with a lighter load and as if wearing my contact lens for the first time, I get a better view, a clearer picture to the direction that I should go. He will be but a memory, nothing more but a memory of a boy I once loved... that's all. It broke my heart giving him up and this time, I mean it. Whenever I feel tempted to look back, I will remember that I have given him up. I am in high hopes that things will become better and brighter in the days to come. Nothing compares to the real thing and the real thing is God's love for me. I will continue to remember that God bought me for a price, the price of His own precious blood in exchange for my life. I can never fathom His love for me. I made a decision, a decision I know that will change my life forever.

Butterfly Tales
3:56 PM

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