Purple Butterfly

Change

Thursday, August 02, 2007

I thought change would be good for me and at some point change is a good thing. I've announced it sometime ago that I was getting into the habit of smoking but after puffing 12 sticks in a day, and a few more sticks later, I decided to QUIT. It's not for me really. I know it felt liberating and good but it made me feel worse after. I am not saying that people who smoke are bad, I am only saying that it is really not for me. I have a conviction in my heart to stay away from it. When Lindz found out that I tried smoking, he was furious at me and telling me that he loved me for who I am and that's when I realized that though there may be things that I need to change about myself it has to be change for good. People have been asking me if I am having a problem cause I resorted to smoking and I cannot begin to explain to them what I exactly I am going through right now. I can't find the words to describe how I feel. All I know is that it is something that is hard to share even with someone I trust with my own life. Let's just say that I am at a crossroad and it's hard to take one more step. There are a lot of things holding me back, a lot of fears and apprehension and I am beginning to feel lost.

I want to be reckless and free, never counting the consequences but I have seen other people who tried to live their lives that way and they ended up regretting what they've done and I don't want to look at my life someday and have a lot of regrets.

Another thing is, I don't know how I learned to survive being away from home longer than I have imagined. When I first started out here by myself I didn't intend to stay long but I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else and I managed to get the position that I worked hard for. I've met a lot of people and have formed bonds and friendships that are now hard to break.

Last night was hard for me, early that day I learned that my roomie Meg's dad died. It was hard for her and I can only imagine how tough it would be going through such pain especially after a recent break with her boyfriend. She had to leave for Bacolod. I am left alone in my room. I've started to feel really lonely lately. It's a kind of loneliness that I dread feeling. I transferred to a new place with Meg just a month ago and it was great cause it provided a room with aircon. I was used to be at my old boarding house that even though I stayed alone in my room I know that there are other people inside their rooms and I never got to feel alone. Whenever I do, I'd go out or hang out at my landlady's kitchen and she'd be there, we would talk and I wouldn't feel lonely. But it's different now, I go out from the room and find no one. Tv nor music do not bring comfort anymore. Lindz couldn't understand what I was going through and I don't blame him, he has his own set of problems to take care of and I don't want to add to it.

I still find myself helplessly falling in love with him even though a lot has changed between us. I am used to eating with him during lunch or just seeing him everyday, I am used to him paying me a visit at my place, holding my hand, taking me out to the mall or the movies but now, he's been having a lot of excuses not to see me and though I sometimes doubt that he's with someone else, I am ruling it out until I can be positive about it. I only feel that he needs time to be alone and be with himself without me nagging at his side. I'll always be there for him and I know for for sure that he needs this time to be alone so he can chart his course. Whatever happends between us, I am preparing myself for it.

There is so much that I want to pour my heart on. I want so much to share how I am feeling but I don't think there would be anyone in the world who will understand what I am going through.

Butterfly Tales
5:55 AM

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