Purple Butterfly

the game i played

Friday, September 30, 2005

I came across a game one day while we had a meeting at work.. and while my sup was busy and my teammates were planning our team outing, i somehow got hooked to this game. It allowed me to play with other players around the world. At first it was fun and I made a couple of enemies and friends at the same time. knowing that it was all a game, my teammate and i made up stories. we had fun and we had a good laugh. the very purpose was not to reveal our true identity although we had used our real names. i kept ignoring this one player in my quest to beat this guy who always bragged but never won anyway. until we played alone. he got so interested that the truth got messed up. of course the game was about the mask of zorro and i played the character of zeta jones. i had it my mind that this boy i was playing with had created a picture on his mind that i looked like zeta jones. i played hard to get and never intended to give him any clue to who i was. to make the game interesting i made a deal that i'll give him my friendster add if he beats me. it was a close game. and i had thought id win. he was pretty determined. the game now became a quest. boys will do anything to pursue the woman he hopes she is. he beat me fair and square. so i had no choice but to reveal to this poor boy that he was only dreaming. that the zeta jones he hoped for is only a dream. poor boy... and i had proven something that men have the tendency to think with their 'other' head. that they are more visual than women. we all know that at some point. im logging in the game again with a new name. should i ever come across such a boy then its his loss.

Butterfly Tales
9:12 AM

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New look

Thursday, September 22, 2005

With mah new hair comes with new features and new look for my blog. Im not really tech savvy and I just try to copy other people's blog and create my own. I have a lot of work to do here with my blog and I enjoy updating the templates. This is it for now...

Butterfly Tales
7:30 AM

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let go and move on

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

After 4 months since I last came home for my bday, finally decided to visit my hometown. I missed it, I missed my room, my own space. I love being home and in the comforts of having family. Sometimes I am not used to my mom telling me what to do. Especially now that her concern is that I have constipation for more than a month now. I just stayed for the last 4 days and never attempted to let my friends know except for atsi sigoe though. I couldn't wait to get some scoop about school and all about CDO. I caught a glimpse of Ed, my ex with a new girl. taller this time and as sigoe would put, pretty-but-not-smart. I don't know if it's true or a bias judgment but for sure I was caught off guard with what I saw. My poor heart was fine or has accepted the fact that he has another girl but a new one? Didn't know how to take it in. I guess it was just a shock for me, nothing hurtful. I just have to get used to the fact that it's over between him and that other girl. One thing I learned is that life continues to go on. For me and for everyone else. Anyways, it surprised me that what I saw didn't uncover hurtful feelings from the past. I've often wondered why at that precise time, I saw them, on my last day at home. I found the answer eventually, it's just obvious that things are not the same. I am fine, moved on pretty well and managed to be away from home for almost a year now.

I miss both of my bestest friends. They are like sisters to me by heart. We're all different in many ways but i love them both so much. My bestfriend al i fondly call miming is in Manila and I believe it's been more than a year since we last saw each other, since that time she relocated. As for my BF Rox, she's in CEBU alright and there's only one thing I can say 'you're near yet so far...' hahahaha Hope you guys know that in many ways, when I needed an anchor, a comfort, a hug, a cheer, a smile and a surprise you were there and I can't thank you enough for keeping a place in your heart for someone like me. drama na toh. maybe because I know that my period is coming or let me be just grateful to the beautiful people who are in their ways like angels sent from heaven.

So, I don't want to blog so much about missing home cause it's obvious that it's never easy leaving home, it is like leaving a part of you behind. Like I said earlier, life moves on. I like what bf rox posted in one of her blogs lately and let me borrow them: When things are messed up and you are not at fault, let go and move on; When things are messed up and you are in part to blame, mourn for a bit then let go and move on; When things are messed up and you are mostly to blame; wail and cry, then take responsibility, let go then move on. Bottom line is, to let go and move on. There's no point wasting time and emotions over something that belongs to the past. No matter how hurtful, still, letting go and moving is still the best move.

Butterfly Tales
4:34 AM

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Unplanned

Monday, September 12, 2005

So, what about hurricane Katrina? It really shouldn't affect me right? Considering the fact that the country affected by it is halfway around the world from here. But it's not just a country, it's the US. So many of us filipinos have dreamed to go there they say is the modern day "land overflowing with milk and honey." Only this time, it's a land overflowing with milk and money. From where I work, we are definitely affected. Our client is based in the US and we are just the largest online travel agency in the US and maybe around the world. This means, a lot of travel has been affected by the hurricane and its aftermath. I received a lot of calls of travel plans cancelled, a much thought and well planned vacation postponed, business meetings rescheduled, a school fieldtrip rerouted, a house under water, tickets to be refunded, a wedding cancelled and the list is endless. At first, I had thought that I can just do my job, assist them as much as I could and move on. I was wrong. I had started to read the news online about Katrina, and to be honest, I am more aware and have a heart to its victim than to the plight and plea of my fellow countrymen. I don't browse to the local news to check as to what has been happening to my own country. I say to myself, "So, what's new anyway?"

Bottom line is, the future is not ours to tell as one song may put it quite appropriately. No matter how powerful and how successful a country may be, the US for example, we have NO control over the forces of nature. It's a disaster and no one can blame any one. Not even God. I've heard many lives affected, not by the dozens, not by the hundreds but by thousands and may be even millions. We mourn over the lives lost, properties destroyed and plans, plans, no matter how careful we planned them to be, we are still not in control. There are lessons to be learned from the disaster brought by hurricane Katrina, one lesson I can ponder from it is God's plan being not our plan and His ways being not our ways and being higher than our ways. In a way, I can only say that maybe God had intended to destroy some lives in order to spare thousands more. As heartless as it sounds He didn't even spare his own SON in order to save humanity from the consequences of sin. I know one thing for sure is that God longs to have communion with his creation. In difficult times, it is when we look up to ask for comfort and for help, it is when we realize that we need the help of something or someone higher than ourselves, it is when we realize that we can only do so much and the rest is up to God and most of all, it is when we seek His face. I read of a true story where it took a family years to build their dream house, everything was new and expensive, a multi million house that was built just right across a beautiful view of the ocean, only to be swept off by the hurricane in a day or two. The loss, the pain, the tragedy. Which brings me to a thought. Ever visited me at my house? Lovely isn't it? Cozy, warm and simply comfortable. Well, it took my family years to finally have our dream house. My family have invested a lot for that house and finally a beautiful home was established. It is not so conveniently located on top of a mountain, on a cliff that overlooks the city. Every Christmas and New Year, we celebrate with a view of fireworks all around us from the adjacent millionaire's village to the fireworks from houses and establishments below us. Maybe this year will be my last year to celebrate Christmas in that house, maybe or maybe not. We have put up our house for sale. I told you we were POOR right? Yeah! that kind of poor wherein you have to sell everything you own including your house to make ends meet. It's a long story and its not one I intend to post here. I dreamed, planned and hoped to spend my vacations in that house, wherever I may be, my home is still home and will always be where I feel at home. Get what I'm saying? I even dreamed of having my future bf propose at our balcony with a blanket of stars, cool breeze and spectacular lights of the city. Like what I wrote earlier, the future is not ours to tell... We're just looking for the right buyer and believe me, for a house with 6 bedrooms, a garage, a view and all that, we're selling it cheap. It pains me just thinking about what we're losing and I wish we didn't have to lose our source of income. Even if I work 24/7 it is not enough to pay skyrocketing bills. Unless, maybe if I marry a millionaire. Hahaha in my dreams! Besides, I marry for love and not for money. In a way I am thankful, rather than losing what we've worked for in a day or two, we had the time to enjoy our house. We even had the privilege of sharing its comforts to our friends and loved ones. All I will have are memories of that house on a cliff. Thank God even for memories. Rather than suffer sickness and the loss of a loved one, I am still better off losing our house. Who knows, maybe in the future, something bigger and better is ahead for me and my family. I have learned to never hold on too tightly something or someone. Maybe in time, they leave or tragedy strikes and you lose that something or someone. Always be open to change and always prepare for the future. Again, nothing beats than praying and trusting God that He is in control. When disaster strikes, when tragedy comes, when we suffer loss, when our plans fail, we're sure to keep the right attitude and be able to look beyond it.

Butterfly Tales
11:11 AM

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I am POOR

Friday, September 09, 2005

I am now officially poor. I honestly don't dread being one. It's only a matter of adjusting my lifestyle. For a time, I had thought that just because I work now means I can buy whateva I want, eat the foods I want to eat and go to places I wanna go. I have to think of my family too you know. I know that my parents are capable of working and providing for their own needs but they're not getting any younger. My mom told that she didn't want to be unfair with me. I don't mind the responsibility, in fact I welcome the thought. I want to remind myself that from now on, I am poor. I will give what I can give. It's not about me this time. I want to grow up and become a responsible woman. Who knows in God's time, I might become a mom and a wife someday but all that has to wait cause God ain't finish with me yet. My roommate shang shared with me a very powerful thought today... it goes something like... we can determine our choices but we cannot choose the consequences of the choices we make.

Butterfly Tales
11:14 PM

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an afternoon well spent

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Last Sunday, I just spent the afternoon with rox. Well, to date, it's been a month since the last time we went to the mall or just kinda hang out. I kinda missed the chats n stuff. Enwai, We were at the mall for lunch and to scout for a new pair of sandals or a bag maybe. Of course, SM was going on SALE so we kinda thought of going there to get the best bargain en stuff. They say that when SM goes on sale, they mean SALE in all caps. I guess what stopped us from going there was aside from the rain we remembered an experience we had before when we were doing our Christmas shopping with our friend jorge and her dad literally had to fight his way through getting a taxi. Like most dads, he was our hero cause he got a taxi among crowds of people waiting to go home. We couldn't forget the inconvenience. So we just walked around Ayala, they're not on Sale that day but the pressure and the stress at SM is definitely not worth it. It didn't take long for us to find this perfect pair of sandals and not long after that, the perfect bag. The leather sandals was just PERFECT. The perfect fit, perfect design and best of all, it was so comfortable that you can walk on 'em like forever. Then we checked for the price, P1,250. Hmnnn... not bad for a perfect pair of sandals considering that it feels as comfortable as a pair of Bass, Naturalizer or Rockport sandals would feel. The problem was not with the sandals, but with our pockets. We cannot afford such an amount for the perfect sandal we wanted. So, with sad looks on our eyes, we looked for the second best sandals. Sure enough we found several pairs that kinda looked like the perfect sandal, about the same design, about the same comfort and half the price or way cheaper. But it didn't feel like the way those perfect sandals embraced our feet. It was still the second best choice. Our hearts were glued to the perfect sandals that it was such a torture that our money cannot afford such delight. To us, it was a luxury buying it, maybe to others, a pair of $1,250 for a sandal is nothing. Then, with our weary hearts, we moved on to looking for the best bag, I of course was not interested for the perfect bag but my bestfriend had an option between a bag or sandals. Just right off the corner of MAZE, we spotted the bag. It was stylish yet conservative, it was a mix of native material, cloth and synthetic leather, the design was definitely for those who want some funk. Again, it looked so perfect, the design, the size, the whole comfort of carrying it around, definitely a conversation piece as an added bonus. Again, we looked at the price and i think it was P750 something, I'm sure it was less than P1000. Our hearts continued to sink cause though the price was not too high, and again, our pockets cannot afford it. We both resolved to finding the next best thing. We continued to walk around the mall looking for the more or less same style, same feel, same size but for half the price or cheaper. There was no other bag like it, just like there was no other perfect sandal for half the price. What was interesting about the whole event was our resort to find the second best. We were making mental notes on the pros and cons of whether or not trading comfort for affordability. Still, it didn't matter what the pros and cons were, what mattered was that our hearts were already set to those perfect sandals and bag. Just like a lightbulb, we figured to save enough money so that someday we can afford it. Saving translates to waiting, it means time, it means sacrifices. It meant that if we so desired to get nothing less than the perfect then we both have to wait, we both have to sacrifice a portion of our allowances and we have to wait until the time that we have enough money to buy it. We were able to apply that experience to the choices that we make in life. Even in the major decisions we make, whenever we make a choice that is quite impossible to attain, we resolve to second best maybe for fear of failure. Why do we resolve to settling for second best? There is no substitute for the BEST. We all know that God has His best interest for all of us, and that entails waiting, saving ourselves from unnecessary hurts, and making certain sacrifices. I learned a valuable lesson that day. And that lesson is that whenever we have set our hearts to attain nothing less than the best, we have to wait, we have to sacrifice and we have to save cause the BEST is worth it all. For now, I think I will just to dream of wearing those perfect sandals. I'm sure with a little discipline on my part, I will have enough money to buy myself a pair of those perfect sandals.

So, how did our day end? It ended perfectly. How? My bestfriends lola is currently in the hospital, like what she mentioned, only 30-40% of her kidneys are functioning. But she said she was a fighter. Just before we parted ways, she thought of buying her flowers. It was a rather a much better idea. So off we went to National bookstore, found the perfect card and bought a bouquet of lilys. It was more or less a perfect way of showing our dear loved ones how perfect they are in their own way. I learned a lot that day. and allow me to borrow the words from Mawi Asgedom from his book Of Beetles and Angels, "...the exchange of gifts blesses the giver even more than the receiver." I think we chose the best that day, we chose to give rather than to please ourselves with buying either a sandal or a bag.

Butterfly Tales
2:34 AM

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Monday, September 05, 2005

To blog or not to blog? that is the question. That was indeed my question when I started this blog. I was a lot hesistant at first cause I didn't want to go public with my thoughts and emotions for fear of being misjudged and ridiculed. Time and again, I have mentioned that I am a private person and I keep things to myself or share them with people I trust and I feel comfortable with. Or, maybe I just feel private but I know that I have shared a lot about my life to a considerable number of people. I finally decided to make one with the goal that maybe 'other' people will learn from my experiences. Then, I found the knack of writing and updating my blog from time to time. It gave me an outlet to pour out my emotion when nobody is listening and when everybody seems to be concerned about their own lives. Then I found blogging as a way to connect to those around me and those who are away from me. I have been living away from home that it seems tiresome to be writing individual emails to my friends and my family just to update them about what's going on with my life. Blogging has also helped me keep in touch with friends that are precious to me but have somehow left to different places or friends I have left behind my hometown. Plus, blogging helps me develop writing. One thing to consider in blogging is that il involves writing. Until finally, my reason for blogging boils to only ONE and that reason is for me to remember. To remember the events that are significant for me no matter how insignificant it may seem to other people. I want to remember as much as I can about my life whether I am here working or at home with my family. I want my future family, my future husband, my children and their children to read how my life was, maybe to learn, to unlearn certain lessons I went through. I used to care on how my blog looks like to please my 'readers' (ha! assuming me!!!) until my bestfriend ROX updated my template that perfectly describes me, it is lavender with clouds, friends and butterflies... Now, I am not changing templates no matter how boring it can be in the years to come. But maybe I'll consider making a template, the restrictions in our company hasnt given that freedom to experiment in making templates. Bottom line is, this BLOG is for me, it is a gift to myself. I hope someday when I read my entries, I would laugh and cry remembering those times, events and people who have touched my life. I am but a grain of sand among millions of others who want to be heard, who wants to be acknowledged and valued. It's no longer important to me if I am ridiculed or not, what matters to me is not that I am 'just' among the millions but the fact that the millions will still not be complete without me.

Butterfly Tales
3:43 AM

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Bully!

Me? A BULLY!

I�m a bully! I may not bully people around but I confess that I�m a bully! I bully people who are, I don�t mean to sound a *itch but I bully people who are shall we say, well endowed, blessed, extra, plump, I can describe anything just to avoid the big F word that offends many people. I call them names on my mind like hamburger face, I comment on my thoughts like your face looks like a very round platter or I think you�re about to burst. I know it sounds too mean but it doesn�t sound mean to me at all since I don�t say it loud like most bullies would. The truth is, I am guilty and I feel bad about it. I�m just fortunate that I don�t have the tendency to get too round or accumulate those globules on all wrong places but I am not like a toothpick either. My physique is small and my weight matches my height. Still, it doesn�t give me the reason to comment such even if it�s only on my thoughts. I say to myself, �can I help it if he or she's fat?� Bottom line is, I know I can help it, I can start by accepting the fact that God loves varieties and because we are all different, that makes life so interesting. Can you imagine a world where everyone has the same type of physique? Ideally though, we should be able to maintain an ideal weight that is directly proportional to our height and age. But that is being ideal. We don't live in an ideal world and the food, the diet that we have makes it impossible to achieve such a goal. Still, it doesn't give me reason enough that just because a certain person is not within the ideal range of weight for his height and age gives me the license to bully. I just want to confess that I am and I am so sorry about it. Whether I can help it or not, I am sorry. I'm sorry to all those I have hurt and I am hoping that I have not contributed a tremendous damage to your self esteem. I know I don't say my comments out loud but my thoughts is as bad as when I say it. I wish I can give out names but to be honest, I don't list names. You all are beautiful people and what's essential is still invisible to the eye.

Butterfly Tales
3:10 AM

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