Purple Butterfly

On Advices

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I said it so myself, countless of times and I've given the same advice to those whose hearts are emotionally disturbed. I tell myself, emotions can be very misleading and not to allow emotions to cloud my judgment. I am giving myself the exact same advice. My friend RYAN introduce me to www.christianster.com. He was telling me then that it was like friendster where you can connect with other people, friends and fellow Christians so I decided to give it a try. It is similar to Friendster but so unlike it as well. It has an option where you can post an advice and prayer and prayer request. I had a problem before and since some people seemed confident enough to post their problems I decide to post as anonymous. The response I got was comforting and I felt love and concern even by people whom I haven't met. So, again I am facing a dilemma I decided to post my problem. I wasn't exactly expecting an honest response.

So, this is what I posted on that website and I got 5 responses

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I don't know what to say or where to begin. I tried not to be emotionally involved with a friend I just met recently. but it seems that my efforts are futile cause I find myself drawn to him and just an overwhelming sense of caring for him deeply. I am blessed that he is Christian but I want to guard my heart and know God's will for me. I want to be honest with him and tell him I am beginning to feel more than just friendship. I am not sure whether what I feel is right or just another scheme of satan to distract me. One thing I can truly say is that it's wonderful to love freely and without hesitation. I don't know what to do. Should I just try to supress these feelings or at least share it with him?

5.00 1 votes	posted by chelle214 on Dec 28 2:20 AM
	First of all sis, love is not an accident...it cannot be an accident that you are loving a person:) better make sure that it is really love. Start with the real definition of love. I encourage you not to reveal it now, sister. Keeping it secret and making sure about it will really be helpful. Continue praying and guarding your heart. Pray for wisdom. The more that you are disturbed and bothered, the more that it is far from true love. I understand that it is not easy to feel like you're feeling right now...but time will come that you will really know the truth. Do not be deceived with your heart. True love will endure forever but feelings will fade. Wait more patiently and pray faithfully. Enjoy loving the Lord and having Him as your FIRST LOVE:) Take care sister! God bless!

5.00 3 votes	posted by tranzgel321 on Dec 28 12:18 AM
	Hi Sis. It's a good thing to expect. However, I have learned that a great expectation must be balanced with a total surrender. As we fully yield our life to Him,we know that everything will fall into its right place. If that person is really the one God has chosen for you, he will be yours at God's perfect time. But if he is not the "perfect will" for you, just let him go because he might be a "perfect will" for another girl. Don't let your feelings for him drown you. As I read from a book authored by Paulo Coelho (By the River Piedra), he said "we suffer becuae we feel we are giving more than we receive. We suffer because our love is going unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our ow rules". Again, true love is an act of total surrender.

0.00 0 votes	posted by dst1 on Dec 27 9:52 PM
	i agree a lot on what ray_leal have said.. motive makes the difference. sis, just always remember on what Jeremiah 17:9 says "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" -Jeremiah 17:9 KJV well sis, just wait. establish a firm foundation on God. be careful on every move or decisions you make. it may lead to lifetime disappointment! GodSpeed

3.00 1 votes	posted by khitz on Dec 27 7:59 PM
	hi sis! you know what we are having a same problem, :D just last night i cry hard to God about my love problem.. i guess i better share to you my sort of ways about dealing that kind of issue (but still leaning on God's way)Just like you, i am also confused about wether i will let the feeling stay or supress it fearing that it might be one of Satan's tactics! I offer this problem to God, letting Him to control the situation. My friend says.. God is worth the wait.. though His action seems delaying it will never be late, ask God for clear revelation of His will! I believe, IF its God's will (for both of you) you don't have to make any necessary action, He will work for it! how much you resist... Sometimes feelings comes from God, the choice is ours to learn to trust Him/wait for His proper time or deal with our own ways of rushing things! Certainly if the man like you, he will tell you! and that is what i am holding right now, (though its really hard to keep the feelings)i believe God will not let us suffer esp. in this kind of matter! coz He care for us, how cheap or funny might be is.. What i pray last night is, i ask God if this feeling is His will, i thank Him and i said i will trust Him until His perfect time came for us to be together and if this is not His will i said help me to get rid of this feeling, cast this out from my heart coz it do distruct me! I believe, everything that is happening to us is a plan of God.. for pain or for gain there's a great reason... God bless! :D

0.00 0 votes	posted by ray_leal on Dec 27 6:19 PM
	nadinemae, motive makes the difference. be sure your intentions or motives are pure and can bless the other person not only you. be sure you are making the other person feel comfortable when he is with you rather than being insecure because he knows how you feel about him. get to know each other better. set self interests aside. build a firm and stable ground of friendship that is Christ centered. guard your heart. ray

Butterfly Tales
9:14 PM

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I Won't Say I'm in Love

Monday, December 26, 2005

I Won't Say I'm in Love

HERCULES

If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history--been there, done that!

(Who d'ya think you're kiddin'?
He's the earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinkin' of)

No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
(You swoon, you sigh
Why deny it, uh-oh)
It's too cliché
I won't say I'm in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming, get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
Oh

(You keep on denyin'
Who you are and how you're feelin'
Baby, we're not buyin'
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceilin'
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That you got, got, got it bad?)
Whoa

No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
(Give up, give in
Check the grin--you're in love)
This scene won't play
I won't say I'm in love
(You're doin' flips
Read our lips: you're in love)

You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it
(Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love)

Oh
At least out loud
I won't say I'm in love

I actually find myself singing that song. Oh poor heart! I've kept it from breaking or kept it from the L word. How can I not say that I am slowly falling in love and falling apart at the same time cause I never expected this to happen. Oh well! What can I do but embrace reality with all its joy and fears.

My mom called me today to tell me that my ex is being terminated from his current job and was asked to tender his resignation before his termination date to save his *ss. But what can I say? I just shrugged my shoulders and realized that I should be grateful for the break up.

About this new guy? It's been difficult for me cause I don't want to be emotionally involved with someone right now. So, why am I having such a difficult time? My life as a single was fine. Until he came. I find myself wanting to spend my free time with him and tears me up inside whenever I have to go back to my own space. It feels colder, then again, maybe this is just a fascination and will eventually die out... hopefully soon.

Butterfly Tales
5:08 PM

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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I am thinking to myself as I am writing this blog, does this guy deserve another space in my blog? or better yet, the right question to ask is does this guy deserve a place in my heart or in my life? Let me blog away...

People say that prince charming these days don't come knocking on your door but I would like to think otherwise. I was a damsel in distress when he came. I needed someone to comfort me at that time, a listening ear and a sympathetic heart and he offered just that... I had thought that fate would not allow me to be with him again, I had thought that maybe it would be nothing more than just a chance meeting. But thank God I was wrong. He came back, and I would love to think that a part of it was because of me.

Christmas party came and if it were just me, I'd just wear a blouse and pair it with white cropped pants... but we scoured an entire mall looking for the perfect ensemble for the night, the theme was blue. It took him, my bestfriend and I the whole day looking for the perfect skirt. I resolved to wearing a skirt to pair with my white blouse with beads. I was part of a dance number and we had to wear jeans so I wanted a skirt so that it would be easier for me to change my attire in time for the presentation. I loved it when he took the time and the patience to help me find my outfit for the night. I tried on this orange tube dress that can also be worn like a skirt. The saleslady was accomodating enough to help me find the right accessories for the dress. I already paid for the dress when he said that I'd look good in black, he was eyeing on a black skirt and my bestfriend tried it on and wore it like a tube dress. It looked great so I instead returned the previous orange dress in favor for the black skirt. I went on to prepare for the night, I took a bath, put on the skirt and wore it like a tube dress and went downstairs where a parlor was conveniently located, he watched while my hair was being done... My favorite part was when he was watching and carefully observing me putting on my make up. I had fun watching his every reaction, how his eyes turned round and that look of admiration. He showered me with compliments and it feels great to be a girl, to look great and to feel great. I know I spent a lot just for one night but the reaction that I got and the attention was priceless.

The night was perfect, I saw a shooting star, and best of all, I received a package from my bestfriend alma. I miss her soo much and I pray that maybe someday I'll be able to visit. I have much to talk about but I think this will be all for now...

Butterfly Tales
11:16 AM

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random musings

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Leas concert was everything I imagined it would be. It was simply a breathtaking experience and it was also the first time in my life to listen to such a beautiful orchestra. A dream come true. Her voice was crystal clear. Her voice itself was like music even without the orchestra in the background. It's not surprising why she won all those awards. Truly deserving. Her wits and her charm captivated the audience. She sang classic songs that reminded me of my papa. I wanted my parents to experience the concert with me. Too bad though that they couldn't make it. Maybe next year and maybe the next time.

Finally, I moved out from my old place and moved in to a new room last FRIDAY that was before I watched Leas concert. It takes some getting used to since I now live at least half an hour away from where I work. It used to be just a 5-minute ride and now I have to endure additional 20 mins or so exposure to wind, dust, pollution and heat during daytime travel and not to mention that it eats an additional hour of my usual travel time. My skin broke out after 4 days. I think it's because I am not used to too much exposure to dust and pollution for the past months that I lived near my office. Who am I to complain anyway? I like the place and at least I can be on my own without the fear of someone lashing out on me. It's almost in the center of CEBU. It's a one way ride to almost all destination around the metropolis so that is like an added bonus. What surprised me was when I broke the news to Nikki, she said that she stayed there before for 3 months and had an experience with an akyat bahay. That news alarmed me a bit cause for the first 3 days I stayed there, I was complacent enough not to lock the doors at my room whenever I visited the john. So, this time I am more careful. I am just amazed at how Nikki used to stay at that place. I invited her to stay at the place with me though but she's happy where she is right now and I'm not sure why. Hahaha I'm also blessed with my roommate BING and though we share the same room together, we barely see each other. She works on a day shift while I work on a night shift and the only days we see each other are during my restdays. So, for the rest of the week it would seem like we have the room all to ourselves. Not such a problem with space then.

So anyways, my friend is coming back to apply again, so much for all the drama and only to find out that hes coming back. I hope it's NOT for good. I had fun with him and I admit that I sometimes miss the thrill of being with him but not that much that I'd want to spend an entire year with the same guy. BAD ey? I don't think so really cause I'm not into a relationship thingy. I enjoy being unattached. Hahaha A sudden shift of mood. I miss my BF rox and I hope to see her soon... I am excited for our Christmas party and again, I participated on this dance, just goes to show how thick face I can get in front of an audience. I enjoy performing and not for adoring fans but I just enjoy being able to experiment with a lot of things using my body. hahaha I am after all a frustrated actress...

Butterfly Tales
5:02 PM

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Thursday, December 08, 2005

I am so excited for tonight's concert. The wait is finally over. I'm glad and I look forward to finally settle in to a new room. It's my papa's birthday today and I wish to celebrate it with him. Maybe next year...

Butterfly Tales
11:58 PM

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I was only Kidding

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Who was I kidding?

Last week wasn't easy for me. I received news from my landlady that she wanted out within a week. So, I allowed that to disturb my thoughts. It's never easy finding a new place to stay. I was disturbed by the whole event and it didn't help that I didn't know where to turn to. It was also a time when my housemates cousin was on a job hunt and was staying in the same place. Going back to my question, I was kidding myself when I said that I will not be affected. So, there I was, trying to cram my entire life in luggages and boxes so I can move out and start a new one... Since my housemate was on training, I was left alone in the house with her cousin whose name sounds like a girl. I welcomed the idea of showing him around CEBU, the place I love. It didn't occur to me that for the one year that I have been here, that I can already make my way around CEBU. It was a blast just hopping from one place to another and I don't remember having so much fun than those first moments when i was still discovering CEBU. I've given a lot of space between me and men for the past year. It's actually my first time in a long to have spent an entire day with the opposite sex. I enjoyed it so much that it hurt when I sent him to the PIER to catch a boat back to his home. It didn't help that it rained hard, as if the entire day wailed for his return and the radio played some heartbreaking songs about leaving.
Here's something from The Calling, I was just looking away from the window but every word pierced through my heart.

So lately, been wondering Who will be there to take my placeWhen I'm gone you'll need love to light the shadows on your face If a greater wave shall fall and fall upon us all Then between the sand and stone could you make it on your own.CHORUS:If I could, then I would I'll go wherever you will goWay up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go And maybe, I'll find out A way to make it back someday To watch you, to guide you, through the darkest of your daysIf a greater wave shall fall and fall upon us all Well then I hope there's someone out there who can bring me back to you CHORUS If I could, then I would I'll go wherever you will goWay up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go Runaway with my heart Runaway with my hope Runaway with my love I know now, just quite how My life and love might still go on In your heart, in your mind I'll stay with you for all of time CHORUS If I could, then I would I'll go wherever you will go Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go If I could turn back timeI'll go wherever you will go If I could make you mine I'll go wherever you will goI'll go wherever you will go

I could feel my heart slowly breaking into pieces... Could this be true? Is it possible that I may just miss him when he's gone? No more husky voice to call me FORTICH or someone to make fun of while I dragged him all the way to GINGER SNAPS just to look at tiny baby clothes or strong arms to carry loads of dirty clothes for laundry... YES, he was leaving and I cannot help my poor heart from breaking. He was going back to a place he knew too well while I was going back to my own life. It was only but 5 days, barely a week and yet it feels like I have always known him. I felt a heavy tug before he left while pinching my cheeks long and hard. I knew then I was gonna miss him and will someday look forward for his visit if fate allows it...

Butterfly Tales
12:50 PM

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